I have a confession. I'm super competitive. Not many people know or believe this about me. I'm not competitive in the loud, obnoxious, "If you win I'll hate you forever" type of way. I'm competitive in the "I have to beat you or else I can't feel good about myself" kind of way. I'm usually able to, in general, keep quiet about my little obsession with having to be better than everybody else (which, by the way, I'm totally not).
Pretty sure I've been this way my whole life. At the bookstore we had to sell discount cards. If I hadn't sold more discount cards than anyone else, I was going nuts inside my brain. I also tried to make sure I had more sales than anyone else. Not that my bosses (or anyone for that matter) saw or cared in the least about that, but I sure did.
In school I always secretly compare my grades with everyone else. Anytime I get the chance to figure out another students grades I always grasp at it to make sure that I'm doing better, or at least as well as said student. If not, then I get all depressed and work super hard until I make that happen. I force myself to try and be in the top ranges. I don't necessarily have to be the best (cuz that's totally a lost cause), but I have to just be better than usual.
Last winter my roommate Ashley worked really hard and got a 4.0 GPA at the end of the semester with 15 credits. I love Ashley to death. She's very smart and a great roommate. But I just felt like I had to beat her. Secretly, of course. I never told her how much it bothered me. But that's one of the reasons I took 20 credits last semester and did so well. I had to just prove to myself I could do it.
It's a bad obsession overall. But in some ways it's good because I push myself so hard to be better, and I actually do become better.
Today at the gym I was really excited that I finally made my goal of running 4 miles in 50 minutes. I ended up going over 4.5 miles in one hour. I was really really proud of this little triumph of mine. Until I looked at the guy on the treadmill beside me who was on mile 6 in 45 minutes, running without even wheezing. There's no way I'll ever be able to do that.
Then I went over to the weights. I was really proud of myself for being able to finally do this one arm machine at 40 pounds. I felt like this was a super successful workout. Personal triumph. As I got up, feeling the burn in my arms, I noticed the guy sitting down right behind me. He changed it to 110 pounds. Again, no chance I could ever beat that it seems. Fail.
For me, going to the gym and improving on my exercising is a great personal triumph. I have to be careful not to let other people who are way more in shape than I am ruin that for me. It's nice to go to the gym with my old roommate Ashley because we're both about the same level and we both push each other to do a better workout. Well, at least she helps me, I don't know if she has that weird competitive thing or not.
It made everything better when I came home and my roommate, who also works out, told me it looked like I lost weight. I'm not sure if she was just trying to be nice or not, but that made it all totally worth it.
Now I just have to stop comparing myself to people all the time. That can be my next triumph.
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